My \name is Matilda, Entry 3

As seen in "My Name is Matilda, the Tilly Rivers Story by Tilly Rivers

Copyright, Tilly Rivers Inc. 2010

Me- the Niece

As I mentioned earlier, I came from a large group of siblings, nine of us in total. Neither of my parents though had an extra large family, considering the time period. My father had 2 brothers and 1 sister. My mom had 3 brothers and 1 sister. My parents always were ‘over’ achievers- good job, as I am the youngest! LOL

Is this the part where I insert a bit of family culture? Sure...why the hell not. Oh, did I mention I curse a lot? So you can expect bad words like fuck, hell, damn, shit and motherfucker in here? No- opps- well- I curse a lot. ~giggles~

Rivers- or Rivières- is-yes- you guessed right- French. (Fathers surname)--Fitchett or Fitchètt-is- right again- French (Mothers surname)- there is a little Clark(Grandmothers surname-and Irish :mothers side) and a little Thompson (Grandmothers surname-and English: fathers side)—so I am half French, 25% Irish and 25% English- good lord what a mix of.....a mix of.....well.....mix of culture. (Tee Hee)

...and now the teaser...we all know that French lovers, are the best lovers- pour nous savons l'art de touche, et vivre la passion au plus plein. (Hint- look it up-- http://www.freetranslation.com/) and hence the reason I will leave discussing me as a lover to the last...of course I know you can just skip the pages...so maybe the lover section will not be last after all- giggles- oh I do love to tease!

Where was I? God I even confuse me at times! Forgive the rambling- it is just going to happen!

Being a niece was relatively easy, we lived a fair distance from my parents siblings, and there was a rift that happened between the Fitchett/Rivers clans involving my Father that I may discuss later, and long before my birth. Wow- you just have to wonder why family dynamics have to be so complicated and filled with drama-no?

All of my aunts and uncles were married, and are dear to my heart, but the distance, both geographical, and emotional between me (and my parents) and them made it easy for me to be a ‘niece’. It was for the most part, a title, happenstance of birth.

To say I have a favourite aunt or uncle would not be a fair statement, as I did not have an opportunity to know all of my aunts and uncles well.

But this I do know, the times when my parents where with their siblings, there was this vibe- an energy of love and laughter that I was VERY proud to be part of--and am happy to claim equally that I am a Rivers/Fitchett!!

Aunt: Kind-a naturally follows...

Hey, I just noticed I did not mention sister in the line up of who I am. Would this be the part where a physiologist’s spidey senses perk up? Come on- you know- spidey senses, as in Spiderman whenever there was danger- his senses would tingle. I am a firm believer that we all have them- spidey senses that is- or a sixth sense.

There I go again, off track, smiles, this mind of mine roams in a million directions at once. They say (and who are ‘they’ anyway and why are they always yakking? ~giggles~) - that is a sign of great intelligence- in this particular case I will agree with them, cause I am a very smart girl. ~giggles~ Just ask me, I’ll tell ya!

Now that the side note is over, and back to my original thought- sister- I will write about being a sister as well. The baby in the family- with 3 brothers and 2 sisters to my credit- or is that a debit? Depends on the day really, and how much they pissed me off, or more like it, how pissed off they are at me ~giggles~ as I do have a way of doing that- pissing people off I mean.

I am pretty blunt-and not pc (politically correct), I say it like it is—stayed tuned dear reader, I’m sure before the book has been read from cover to cover that I will piss you off some how. *sigh* it is not like I mean too, I just do not understand the point of beating around the fucking bush, say it like it is!

Aunt: and for the record, great aunt...

I am the youngest of nine, six living members of the Rivers clan. Yes, Rivers is my real name- after the disaster of my first marriage I took back my name (a long with my life!)- and no matter what the future holds- marriage or no- partner or no- I will NEVER take anothers name, I am a Rivers!

I am me!

My eldest sister had 2 daughters; her 2 daughters have 5 children. Let’s keep a running total-(2+5)

My eldest brother has one step daughter and 2 children. They have 6 children. (2+3=5 / 5+6=11)- are you getting scared yet? Hell- I’ve only just started.

Next sister-1 Child. Her child has 3. New count- Nieces-5- Nephews-1, great nieces and nephews: 14

Next brother- he has 5 children and 2step children- they have 5 children- don’t worry- even I am getting confused, okay, let me see if I can figure this out, at this point (more to come) I now have 8 nieces and 4 nephews, and the great niece/nephew count is: 19-wait it gets better as next brother has decided that he needs to ‘go forth and multiply’

...now this is probably a good place for me to insert a note- a caution really- I am NOT a Christian, nor do I believe in the Christian ways/god or bible. In these pages, there will be comments like holy mother of fucking god- Jesus fucking Christ- and other curse words. That part of the faith I like- they make great curse words- if you are a religious person, you may want to stop reading right about here- as I guarantee you- I will offend your faith. I do not judge it, or you...just a non-believer. We will get to what I believe in later on in the ‘story of me’- but right now, I just wanted to let you know what you're in for. See, have I pissed you off yet? ~giggles~

....still with me?...Okay, but you’ve been warned.

The second youngest in the family has decided he does not understand the purpose of birth control, I mean holy fuck you’d think the boy was catholic or something. (see told ya!)- And this is certainly not something I haven’t told my brother direct, so it is not like I am writing tales out of school-or gossip, my siblings know I am a straight shooter- no filter on this mouth- at least not with them, they are after all family- and have to put up with me ~giggles~ and have to in part take the credit and blame for me- as I was spoiled by them all!

My brother has-drum roll here- 7 children and 3 step children- yeah ten!-and at last count there are only 4 great nephews born (most of his children are still young).

22 kids, and 33 great nieces and nephews-and counting!

I love them all, even if I do not get to see some as often as I wish too. The fact is, as I was only seven when I was gifted with the title- aunt, I grew up with the older ones. There is a large age gap between me and my siblings. The closest is almost four years older then I am, the eldest almost fifteen years older than me.

Today, we (My nieces/nephews and I) rarely see each other, maybe once a year, and I suppose that happens in a large family. The second generation of nieces and nephews, sadly, is even worse-some I have only seen-- maybe once-- since they were born. I guess a family reunion is needed.

That is not really their fault, it is mine. I know that I put my career above most things, or at least I did. Not so much because of the love of money, or success, but for the drive not to fail, and because for a long time I had a huge issue of being ‘poor’- as that is what I was growing up. I learned a very valuable lesson, not to long ago, when my Mom passed away. I will share that in the section about my Mom. She was a pretty amazing woman...and I think I will just wait to talk about her for a bit, if you don’t mind...my parents, and my abusive marriage will be the hardest parts for me to write about in here.

My parents because of how much I miss them and love them, they are both gone now. And my marriage because of the abuse, it no longer holds any pain for me, or power over my memories, but I know it may cause some pain for my children, for while they know some of what happened, they do not know all. And above all, protecting and loving my children is the most important part of me.

I do not regret meeting and marrying my x-husband, for by doing so, I am blessed with 3 beautiful miracles. My Children!!

Let’s keep rolling right along...me the Poet

Continues in entry #4

My Name is Matilda. Entry 2

Copyright 2010, Rain Enterprises/Tilly Rivers

Entry 2- My name is Matilda, The Tilly Rivers Story



My fears...

I have had three great fears in my life, and if I have not conquered them, I have at least tamed them. I learned long ago not to be a victim, you have to take control of your life and face your fears.

Water: I had a great fear of water for many years, I did not learn to swim until I was in my late teens, and for someone who loves water...fearing it was a source of great sorrow. My Mother loved the water, and we never had the chance to really go ‘swimming’ together, as she is no longer with me in this lifetime.

When I was about eight, my brother Ernie,(second youngest in the family)and I were playing, naturally-where we should not of been.



Just down the road from our house there was a creek, and on this particular cold winter day I decided it would be a great idea to go for a walk along the ice. Yeah--smiles-- I was wrong, not a good idea at all, my brother tried to tell me, warned me that the ice would not be solid, but who really listens to their siblings? It does not take much of a leap to figure out what happened, I fail through the ice and my brother had to pull me out. He saved me...the first of many rescues.

Stories I am sure that will unfold later on, needless to say that I had an over whelming fear of water after that. To this day, when I swim, my face/head never goes under the water. While I have tamed the fear, learned to swim and enjoy the water, I don’t snorkel or would never consider scuba diving.

I have often wanted to go white-water rafting, but the thought of me falling out of the raft and under the water, has kept me away, I have often watched others water ski and thought it looked like great fun until the skier takes a tumble in the water.

So, have I conquered my fear? No, but I have come to a compromise that allows me to love the water, and not give fear control.



Spiders: Some say that a fear is based on a traumatic event, like my fear of water, if that is the case, my fear of spiders must of happened when I was very young or in another life time maybe? As I can't recall the 'event' in which brought about this fear.


At one point in my life, seeing a spider would paralyse me in fear. Slowly over the years I have faced that fear and now while I am not scared to the point of freezing, or screaming like a ninny- I can look at one--from afar--without coming unglued. Now-- if one was to touch me, that may be a another story...and when they are close my heart still beats a little faster, but as long as they are on their side-and me on mine, we can both get along fairly well.


Love: I do not fear loving, or the act of love. I fear dying without ever knowing what true love feels like. True love, of course is a relative term for each person; it is as personal as a pair of undies—giggles- some like thongs, and some are the cotton brief type- a personal choice. True love to me is about knowing and loving me for who I am, and me loving & knowing them for who they are. That I am perfect, and he is perfect, because of our imperfections.


That change is not needed in order to love, and demands and commands are not required. That we do not require the other to make us happy, for happiness is our own responsibility, and by being complete alone, we are capable of sharing and loving each other without limitations and chains.

I want a partner in my life, to share with, laugh with and enjoy life with. Not someone who is there for my money, or what I can do for them, not for the outside skin- but me. A love where you never have to worry about your secrets being judged, your past being mocked, your present being reviewed and measured, or your dreams being ridiculed.

The kind of love where you are best friends and lovers, were passion is shared and grows. Of course I know that real love is the love of self, and I truly love me, what I want is to be able to share all of who I am with that special someone. One day, my ghost, may come into my life and want that too, but I am not sure if that will ever really happen. Love and I seem to be strangers.Or are we?

Have I...do I have love now? Together we will find out...because if love, as I have said; is about imperfections...about acceptance as is, maybe just maybe I have tamed this fear as well.

I might not have a prince charming, but then again, he does not exist does he? This mystical prince- instead I may have something better...I might have a partner.


What I love...

In no particular order.

My father, (miss you DAD!!) to write, the rain, my family (as in my partner, and my children, and 2 beautiful angels Ashley and Sarah-Jane), my friends, nature, magick, taking pictures, shoes, music- all kinds other than old country, although I will admit there are a couple of songs I love that are old country, not because of the song or artist, but the memories that the song triggers.

My mother,(miss you MOM!) my siblings and their children, my cousins and extended family,critters-currently I have 2 dogs, 1 cat and a fish, trees, horse back riding, art, sex, sky diving, touch, rocks and water, the seasons, learning-anything and everything, discovering, passionate people, conversations and debates, hiking, health, yoga, intelligence, purple, red, colour really- the sound of laughter, did I mention sex? Nick Rose art, Ed Delgado photography, -smells- the smell of great food, the smell of coffee, the smell of soap and perfume and the smell of life...tattoos, words, being naked...to kiss..and so much more, all of which I hope to touch on at least a little in this book.

What I hate...

Hate is such a strong word, and not one that I use very often, so instead I will use dislike. There is always a fine line between love and hate, and both emotions carry a great power, one positive, one negative. I am not about to let a negative emotion have that kind of hold over me. Did I mention I was a bit of a control freak? ~giggles~ Some say so, but what do they know?- ~smiles~

Parsnips-yuck, hmmmm...truly I think that’s it...it can’t be though, so I am going to guess that as I write I will find more dislikes. Wait- I am not that fond of bugs, the ugly ones- I Know, I know, not a nice thing to say, that cute bugs are okay but ugly ones aren't, but there you have it just the same, ~giggles~ I do not like ugly ones. Of course ugly is- as in beauty- in the eyes of the beholder-which creates balance- yes? Which means someone else likes the ugly ones, so all is good. ~giggles~

Dividing the sections...
Maybe instead of visiting memory lane, I will divide this story of me into the sections I mentioned above: author, celebrity, model, poet, radio host, entrepreneur, photo enthusiast...Mom, step-mom, lover, daughter, sex symbol, life partner, friend, aunt, niece, grand daughter, woman, child...& just me...
So which me shall we start with? What do you want to know about the most? Of course it is the lover-yes? Then...I will just have to leave that for last. Now don’t groan and pout- it’s good marketing-just like when you watch those horrible television reality shows, they keep you hanging...
Let’s start with something boring...and relatively safe for me to talk about-Niece

To be continued in Entry 3

My Name is Matilda. Entry 1

My Name is Matilda, the Tilly Rivers Story
By Tilly Rivers
Entry One

Special note to: Koren, who came up with the title.
Begin at the beginning

My name is Matilda.

When I was approached to write this book, I was not sure I wanted to. To expose your life to others is a hard thing to do, especially my life. Not because I have had it harder, or easier then anyone else, not because my life is better, worse or in between, but because it is---mine.


The story that the publisher wants is one of rags to riches, the Cinderella story, but that is not me. My story, my memories are a blend of great hurt, great passion, great struggles and great success. Is that rags to riches? Maybe, but I do not think so, and as this is my story- what I think counts. ~giggles!~


To write it, I would need to revisit places I do not want to go, abusive memories, and places of darkness, but I would also be revisiting many happy memories as well.

To write it I would need to be as honest as I can, as honest at least as my memory serves me, honesty is a value that I place great importance on, and it is weaved into the very fabric of who I am. To be honest means I may hurt others, as it is not just my life that will be in these pages, but the lives of others that helped shaped my days, some good, some not so. As we do not walk alone in this world now do we?

In the end, I have chosen to write this, for no other reason then it needs to be written. By doing so, I will be able, I hope, to find those last lingering answers, and destroy the last wisps of pain.

I would love to tell you that this will end in happily-ever-after, but I can’t make those claims. As the 'end' has not be written yet.

Instead I will write, as if no one was reading this, that it is just me and the keyboard, and what happens...happens.

To begin at the beginning...

I am Tilly. My birth name officially is Matilda, named after my parental grandmother. Tilly for short...

My family and a handful of friends call me Mickie. My full name? No, sorry I am not even repeating it here, let's just say it is old fashion and we shall leave it at that.

I was named after both my grandmothers, as the last child of nine, It was my mom who decided to give me both grandmothers names. *rolling eyes*, yeah you guessed it, I just LOVE that...

Why Mickie? Cause my uncle took one look at me and said that my name was way to big for a girl no bigger then a...that’s right-‘mickie’, a term used for a small bottle of booze. It just stuck!

To this day when ever I get together with my family or childhood friends they call me Mickie- Tilly seems to be just too hard to grasp. (I am smiling- my cute bratty smile, that I use to get away with anything as I write this.)


My other nick names? ‘Baby girl’ my parents called me this, but especially my Dad, and “mouse.’

I am the youngest of nine children in total, sadly before I was born, my parents lost three children. One girl and two boys.

I suppose when writing one’s life story, you should start with the early years, build up to the teens and later years, but me...being me...there will not be any rhyme or reason, nor logical sequence of events in this book, as I think it, ‘so shall it be written’. ~smiles~

With me, there is always a twist, hence the phrase “Tilly Twist.” It sounds like a tornado doesn't it? Or maybe a yummy candy. I twist everything! Another thing you will need to know about me as you are reading this is that I am a smart ass, and curse, so if language is an issue, you might not want to read anymore. My 'smart-assedness' (I made that word up- giggles)- will either make make you laugh out loud or groan...either way, be prepared to be making odd noises while reading this.


So, off we go down memory lane...
Okay maybe not.
Stalling I know but I am not ready to write any memories yet. Maybe you aren't ready to read any, especially if you are getting to know me, really KNOW me for the first time.


Who am I? Which me? The author, celebrity, model, poet, radio host, entrepreneur, photo enthusiast?

The Mom, the lover, the daughter, the sex symbol?

The friend, aunt, niece, woman, child?

Or just me...?

The lines blur, overlap and become one and none.


To be continued in Entry 2