Copyright 2010, Rain Enterprises/Tilly Rivers
Entry 2- My name is Matilda, The Tilly Rivers Story
My fears...
I have had three great fears in my life, and if I have not conquered them, I have at least tamed them. I learned long ago not to be a victim, you have to take control of your life and face your fears.
Water: I had a great fear of water for many years, I did not learn to swim until I was in my late teens, and for someone who loves water...fearing it was a source of great sorrow. My Mother loved the water, and we never had the chance to really go ‘swimming’ together, as she is no longer with me in this lifetime.
When I was about eight, my brother Ernie,(second youngest in the family)and I were playing, naturally-where we should not of been.
Just down the road from our house there was a creek, and on this particular cold winter day I decided it would be a great idea to go for a walk along the ice. Yeah--smiles-- I was wrong, not a good idea at all, my brother tried to tell me, warned me that the ice would not be solid, but who really listens to their siblings? It does not take much of a leap to figure out what happened, I fail through the ice and my brother had to pull me out. He saved me...the first of many rescues.
Stories I am sure that will unfold later on, needless to say that I had an over whelming fear of water after that. To this day, when I swim, my face/head never goes under the water. While I have tamed the fear, learned to swim and enjoy the water, I don’t snorkel or would never consider scuba diving.
I have often wanted to go white-water rafting, but the thought of me falling out of the raft and under the water, has kept me away, I have often watched others water ski and thought it looked like great fun until the skier takes a tumble in the water.
So, have I conquered my fear? No, but I have come to a compromise that allows me to love the water, and not give fear control.
Spiders: Some say that a fear is based on a traumatic event, like my fear of water, if that is the case, my fear of spiders must of happened when I was very young or in another life time maybe? As I can't recall the 'event' in which brought about this fear.
At one point in my life, seeing a spider would paralyse me in fear. Slowly over the years I have faced that fear and now while I am not scared to the point of freezing, or screaming like a ninny- I can look at one--from afar--without coming unglued. Now-- if one was to touch me, that may be a another story...and when they are close my heart still beats a little faster, but as long as they are on their side-and me on mine, we can both get along fairly well.
Love: I do not fear loving, or the act of love. I fear dying without ever knowing what true love feels like. True love, of course is a relative term for each person; it is as personal as a pair of undies—giggles- some like thongs, and some are the cotton brief type- a personal choice. True love to me is about knowing and loving me for who I am, and me loving & knowing them for who they are. That I am perfect, and he is perfect, because of our imperfections.
That change is not needed in order to love, and demands and commands are not required. That we do not require the other to make us happy, for happiness is our own responsibility, and by being complete alone, we are capable of sharing and loving each other without limitations and chains.
I want a partner in my life, to share with, laugh with and enjoy life with. Not someone who is there for my money, or what I can do for them, not for the outside skin- but me. A love where you never have to worry about your secrets being judged, your past being mocked, your present being reviewed and measured, or your dreams being ridiculed.
The kind of love where you are best friends and lovers, were passion is shared and grows. Of course I know that real love is the love of self, and I truly love me, what I want is to be able to share all of who I am with that special someone. One day, my ghost, may come into my life and want that too, but I am not sure if that will ever really happen. Love and I seem to be strangers.Or are we?
Have I...do I have love now? Together we will find out...because if love, as I have said; is about imperfections...about acceptance as is, maybe just maybe I have tamed this fear as well.
I might not have a prince charming, but then again, he does not exist does he? This mystical prince- instead I may have something better...I might have a partner.
What I love...
In no particular order.
My father, (miss you DAD!!) to write, the rain, my family (as in my partner, and my children, and 2 beautiful angels Ashley and Sarah-Jane), my friends, nature, magick, taking pictures, shoes, music- all kinds other than old country, although I will admit there are a couple of songs I love that are old country, not because of the song or artist, but the memories that the song triggers.
My mother,(miss you MOM!) my siblings and their children, my cousins and extended family,critters-currently I have 2 dogs, 1 cat and a fish, trees, horse back riding, art, sex, sky diving, touch, rocks and water, the seasons, learning-anything and everything, discovering, passionate people, conversations and debates, hiking, health, yoga, intelligence, purple, red, colour really- the sound of laughter, did I mention sex? Nick Rose art, Ed Delgado photography, -smells- the smell of great food, the smell of coffee, the smell of soap and perfume and the smell of life...tattoos, words, being naked...to kiss..and so much more, all of which I hope to touch on at least a little in this book.
What I hate...
Hate is such a strong word, and not one that I use very often, so instead I will use dislike. There is always a fine line between love and hate, and both emotions carry a great power, one positive, one negative. I am not about to let a negative emotion have that kind of hold over me. Did I mention I was a bit of a control freak? ~giggles~ Some say so, but what do they know?- ~smiles~
Parsnips-yuck, hmmmm...truly I think that’s it...it can’t be though, so I am going to guess that as I write I will find more dislikes. Wait- I am not that fond of bugs, the ugly ones- I Know, I know, not a nice thing to say, that cute bugs are okay but ugly ones aren't, but there you have it just the same, ~giggles~ I do not like ugly ones. Of course ugly is- as in beauty- in the eyes of the beholder-which creates balance- yes? Which means someone else likes the ugly ones, so all is good. ~giggles~
Dividing the sections...
Maybe instead of visiting memory lane, I will divide this story of me into the sections I mentioned above: author, celebrity, model, poet, radio host, entrepreneur, photo enthusiast...Mom, step-mom, lover, daughter, sex symbol, life partner, friend, aunt, niece, grand daughter, woman, child...& just me...
So which me shall we start with? What do you want to know about the most? Of course it is the lover-yes? Then...I will just have to leave that for last. Now don’t groan and pout- it’s good marketing-just like when you watch those horrible television reality shows, they keep you hanging...
Let’s start with something boring...and relatively safe for me to talk about-Niece
To be continued in Entry 3
